(best viewed with sound on)

(link)

Cow farts collected in plastic tank for global warming study

Farts in a Tank for Science!(link)

JJ8: The Movie, Cont'd

A grey sky overhead, a light drizzle. PAN DOWN: it's a graveyard. A crowd of mourners is gathered before a funeral pyre as a GREEK ORTHODOX PRIEST [Academy Award Nominee James Cromwell] intones an EERIE PRAYER.

POV SHOT OF THE TOMBSTONE: "ATHAS: Beloved Friend, Honored Lawyer. 'Picture me Rolling!'"

The camera WHIPS AROUND and we see whose POV it is: JOSH SCHWARTZ [Naked Chef Jamie Oliver], smoking a cigarette. He flicks the cigarette onto the funeral pyre and it IGNITES.

The flames CATCH A SINGLE TEAR IN JOSH'S EYE [effects shot/Oscar moment]. JOSH crosses the graveyard to an abandoned basketball court with an old LEATHER BALL. He takes the ball.

JOSH SCHWARTZ
For Athas...

JOSH takes a THREE--SWISH!! [Second effects shot/Oscar moment.]

The BALL rolls to the feet of MR. MET, dressed in black.

MR. MET
You didn't want to stay for the wake?

JOSH SCHWARTZ
(Wryly)
I'm already awake.

MR. MET removes his costume head, revealing JOE ROSALES [Matt Damon]. (Big reveal!!)

JOE ROSALES
What's on your mind?

JOSH SCHWARTZ
Something doesn't add up. Why would Athas kill himself at the height of his power!?

JOE ROSALES
Let it go, man... It's too big. You have your popular line of pasta sauces to worry about, and I have to secure an abortion for Jose Reyes' mistress before he comes back from this road trip. [lots of exposition]

SCHWARTZ
If you were the one in the ground, would Athas let it go??

JOE stares into the clownish face of MR. MET, and REALIZES WHAT HE HAS BECOME.

JOE
(Ripping off the costume as a healing rain begins to fall)
ATHHHHAAAASSSSSSS!!!

JOSH SCHWARTZ smirks: "It's on!" [Music cue: Somebody Gots to Die by Biggie.]

CUT TO: The interior of Dave's apartment. DAVE [Sean Astin] sits in a YOGA position in a CIRCLE OF CANDLES. He is MEDITATING. (Music cue: Enya??). His BUZZER RINGS. He opens his eyes--"Damn!" He looks at a LARGE CLOCK--it is almost midnight. The buzzer rings again! Dave is TORN. Finally he opens the door, and ASHLEY, SOLOMON, and RAJU rush in.

DAVE
What are you guys doing here!?!

As an answer, RAJU opens the briefcase--the GOLD GLINTS IN DAVE'S EYES.

SOLOMON
You've got to hide us!

DAVE turns away. He looks at the CLOCK. FIFTEEN SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT!

DAVE
IT ISN'T SAFE!

RAJU
That's why we came here! We think Athas was murdered...

The clock is an old GRANDFATHER CLOCK. It begins to chime. DONG! DONG!

DAVE
GO NOW!!

ASHLEY
Why?!?

DAVE has his face buried in his hands. When he looks up his eyes are YELLOW!! [Visual reference:]


DAVE
(Growling!!!)
GET AWAY

It is too LATE! DAVE TRANSFORMS INTO A VAMPIRE/WEREWOLF BEFORE THEIR EYES! (Lots of effects/claymation).

WEREWOLF DAVE
TONIGHT I HUNT!!!

In SLO-MO, the GOLD clatters to the FLOOR. (Visual metaphor: Money can't buy everything.)

JJ8: The Movie

Exterior shots of Brooklyn. Blue skies, a man pushing an ice cart down the street. CRANE SHOT DOWN to RAJU [Kal Penn] in Prospect Park, throwing a wiffle ball in the air and swinging a bat at it. Portrait of a man alone. He chases the ball underneath a tree.

RAJU REACTION SHOT: What's this!?!

RAJU has spotted a leather brief case. He looks around, opens it. BARS OF GOLD—the light glints in his face, he has to shield his eyes it is so bright (metaphor??).

INTERIOR: SOLOMON AND ASHLEY'S APARTMENT

SOLOMON [Wilmer Valderama] smokes from a giant bong [CGI?]. RAJU barges in. The bong hits the floor! Solomon is "bummed."

SOLOMON
What the fuck!?!

RAJU
Look what I found!

He shows SOLOMON what's in the briefcase.

SOLOMON
Oh shit, kid.

ASHLEY [Mily Cyrus as Hannah Montana] is hard at work in her architecture studio. She is DISTRACTED by all the noise. She comes into the living room, ALL BUSINESS.

ASHLEY
What are you two idiots screaming about?

ASHLEY REACTION SHOT: She sees the GOLD!

ASHLEY
Where did that come from?!

All three look at eachother: That's a good question!

RAJU
What should we do?

ASHLEY
We need legal advice.

EXTERIOR of a Manhattan SKYRISE. The sunlight glints off the glass. HARD CLOSE-UP of a STRIPPER'S BARE ASS. Pull back to reveal a LINE OF COKE, parallel to the ass crack. Pull back further, to reveal a nostril doing the LINE OF COKE (snorting sound effect). Pull back further, we see the face attached to the nostril: ATHAS, ATTORNEY AT LAW (Jake Gyllenhal). Pull back further: THE STRIPPER IS DEAD!

Sound effect: Ringing phone.

ATHAS calmly wipes his brow with the HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL he has used to do the line. Flicks it at the dead stripper.

ATHAS
(Bad-ass)
For your trouble.

ATHAS pushes a button on his mammoth desk. Behind him, windows open to an incredible view of Manhattan. (Message: The world is at his feet.)

ATHAS (Speaking into an intercom)
Another one of these strippers died, Miss Jones. Will you take care of that?

ATHAS answers the phone.

ATHAS
Hello?

INTERCUT to RAJU, talking on SOLOMON and ASHLEY'S phone.

RAJU
Hey, it's your old college roommate, Raju. [=exposition]

ATHAS puts his feet on the desk as a DISPOSAL TEAM IN HAZMAT SUITS enters his office and dumps the body in a vat of acid (sizzling sound).

ATHAS
Yes, of course, and I haven't forgotten I owe you big time. [=more exposition]

RAJU
Yes, you do. And now it's time to call in a favor. (Raju smirks.) I found a briefcase full of gold.

ATHAS sits up: WOW!

ATHAS
Wow! A briefcase full of gold?!

SUDDENLY, a member of the HAZMAT team pulls off his mask. It is JON ROSS (Steve Buscemi). He brandishes a shotgun.

ATHAS
(Totally surprised)
What are you doing here!?!

JON ROSS
I've been waiting for this a long time.

BOOM BOOM BOOM! (Shot gun blasts)

ATHAS' BODY CRASHES BACKWARD THROUGH THE GLASS AND HE TUMBLES OVER A HUNDRED STORIES!!! He starts to fall in SLO-MO. [MUSIC CUE: The Harder They Fall by Jimmy Cliff.]

JON ROSS smirks. He is cold-blooded.

Back in the APARTMENT, RAJU here's the beepbeep of a dead phone line. He looks at Solomon and Ashley quizzically.

Then, a chirping SOUND! RAJU checks his VERIZON SLIDE (Product placement). ATHAS managed to send a text message before he impacted on the sidewalk. RAJU reads the text message aloud:

"Trust no one."

Slow fade to JON ROSS staring out the broken window at the MESS BELOW, a MURDEROUS SMIRK on his face.

TITLE CARD:
JOHN JAY 8: PART I: BLOOD SPORT: THE DOCTOR GOES BAD

I am calling it now.

So it's emerging that Iran's entire missile test last week was a fake. Fake pictures, fake missile ranges, everything. Why fake a missile test?

In the two days before the test, the price of oil was actually dropping significantly. Then Iran does their "test," and because of the resulting fears over a regional war, the price of oil rebounds. When oil goes up, Iran makes money. So why not conduct a bogus test, spook the world, and ensure high oil prices for at least another week or more?

I just want credit for calling this in two months when Seymour Hersch writes an expose about it in the New Yorker.

Impostor

remind me to murder this guy when we go to milwaukee.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/athas/23790266880

great times

good times

check out the rest here

News That's Fit to Print Over and Over

This news story made my day. It's got everything:

• Douchebag bad guy who's a hedge fund manager, lives in Armonk, has last name ends in "III", and drives a big SUV.
• A faked suicide
• A guest appearance by the bear mountain bridge
• The M*A*S*H theme song
• The implication of a bunch of bumbling police officers (Specifically, "When the [suicide] message turned out to be the theme song of ”M*A*S*H,” the authorities began to suspect he was on the run.")

Hats off to Times reporter, Abha Bhattari, whose career I will now follow closely.

UPDATE: Did I miss this story as it developed? More great douchebag details and quotes!:

• He attended the Hackley School in Tarrytown, NY. For the locals, this speaks volumes.
• Mr. Israel oversaw a high-tech trading floor, which featured pet snakes encased in aquariums, while he rented a $32,000-a-month mansion in Mount Kisco from Donald J. Trump.
• “Ever since I can remember, I met people everywhere that have told me they know my family either directly or by reputation,” he wrote. “I cheated my investors because I was afraid to admit my failure. I did not want the world to think I was not good enough and I did not want my family to see me as a failure.”
• “when what I perceived as divine intervention occurred in the form of the fictitious investment programs, I leapt at the opportunity,”
• Plus this wonderful photo gallery:

Generation Kill(ing Time on Sundays)

As anyone taking the subway unblindered can attest, Generation Kill is coming. July 13th at 9pm to be precise. The book was really disturbing. The guys from The Wire are producing. And while I've never been a huge fan of TV dinners, I do think this would be a fun excuse to revive family dinners over the summer. Seven one hour episodes, seven different meals??Seven different themes??? I'll volunteer to cook meal#1 which will be 100% deep-fried to symbolize the fact that war was really all about oil to begin with.