JJ8: The Movie, Cont'd

A grey sky overhead, a light drizzle. PAN DOWN: it's a graveyard. A crowd of mourners is gathered before a funeral pyre as a GREEK ORTHODOX PRIEST [Academy Award Nominee James Cromwell] intones an EERIE PRAYER.

POV SHOT OF THE TOMBSTONE: "ATHAS: Beloved Friend, Honored Lawyer. 'Picture me Rolling!'"

The camera WHIPS AROUND and we see whose POV it is: JOSH SCHWARTZ [Naked Chef Jamie Oliver], smoking a cigarette. He flicks the cigarette onto the funeral pyre and it IGNITES.

The flames CATCH A SINGLE TEAR IN JOSH'S EYE [effects shot/Oscar moment]. JOSH crosses the graveyard to an abandoned basketball court with an old LEATHER BALL. He takes the ball.

JOSH SCHWARTZ
For Athas...

JOSH takes a THREE--SWISH!! [Second effects shot/Oscar moment.]

The BALL rolls to the feet of MR. MET, dressed in black.

MR. MET
You didn't want to stay for the wake?

JOSH SCHWARTZ
(Wryly)
I'm already awake.

MR. MET removes his costume head, revealing JOE ROSALES [Matt Damon]. (Big reveal!!)

JOE ROSALES
What's on your mind?

JOSH SCHWARTZ
Something doesn't add up. Why would Athas kill himself at the height of his power!?

JOE ROSALES
Let it go, man... It's too big. You have your popular line of pasta sauces to worry about, and I have to secure an abortion for Jose Reyes' mistress before he comes back from this road trip. [lots of exposition]

SCHWARTZ
If you were the one in the ground, would Athas let it go??

JOE stares into the clownish face of MR. MET, and REALIZES WHAT HE HAS BECOME.

JOE
(Ripping off the costume as a healing rain begins to fall)
ATHHHHAAAASSSSSSS!!!

JOSH SCHWARTZ smirks: "It's on!" [Music cue: Somebody Gots to Die by Biggie.]

CUT TO: The interior of Dave's apartment. DAVE [Sean Astin] sits in a YOGA position in a CIRCLE OF CANDLES. He is MEDITATING. (Music cue: Enya??). His BUZZER RINGS. He opens his eyes--"Damn!" He looks at a LARGE CLOCK--it is almost midnight. The buzzer rings again! Dave is TORN. Finally he opens the door, and ASHLEY, SOLOMON, and RAJU rush in.

DAVE
What are you guys doing here!?!

As an answer, RAJU opens the briefcase--the GOLD GLINTS IN DAVE'S EYES.

SOLOMON
You've got to hide us!

DAVE turns away. He looks at the CLOCK. FIFTEEN SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT!

DAVE
IT ISN'T SAFE!

RAJU
That's why we came here! We think Athas was murdered...

The clock is an old GRANDFATHER CLOCK. It begins to chime. DONG! DONG!

DAVE
GO NOW!!

ASHLEY
Why?!?

DAVE has his face buried in his hands. When he looks up his eyes are YELLOW!! [Visual reference:]


DAVE
(Growling!!!)
GET AWAY

It is too LATE! DAVE TRANSFORMS INTO A VAMPIRE/WEREWOLF BEFORE THEIR EYES! (Lots of effects/claymation).

WEREWOLF DAVE
TONIGHT I HUNT!!!

In SLO-MO, the GOLD clatters to the FLOOR. (Visual metaphor: Money can't buy everything.)