SNL - Iran So Far

Dedicated to Josh Feldman.
With much love, Mahmood

Open House New York

Next weekend: Oct 6 & 7, come check out one of my projects 163 Charles as part of Open House NY. I will be there Sunday afternoon 3-5 <--correction. There are a ton of very cool places, check them out here here -- today is the first day the site is live, so you should have a good chance of rsvp-ing to the locations that require.


We are definitely touring on Sat so whoever wants to join hit us up: maybe we can get some brunch and make the rounds.

The Sport of Kings

The continued fun-ness of the Belmont Stakes not withstanding, I think we can all agree that Horseracing takes itself way too seriously. The governing body "The Jockey Club," which has to approve every horse name before it is officially registered recently got a bunch of headlines for for disallowing the name "Sally Hemings" for a thoroughbred (Who was sired by "Jefferson's Secret" by the way) because it was insensitive and inappropriate.

So, I was delighted to find the following list of actual horse names APPROVED by the Jockey Club that competed in the American Thoroughbred circuit. I've also included the year they were registered. I am not making this up. search for your own bizarre name idea here: crazy horse names

Pussy Galore 1965
Blow Me (1945)
Get It On (both 1971 and 1986)
On Your Knees (1977 and 2005)
Spank It (1985)
Go Down (1963) (whose sire was "Service")
Jail Bait (1947 and 1983)
Barely Legal (1982 and 1989)
Date More Minors (1998)
Golden Shower (1955)
Cherry Pop (1961 and 1978)
Cum Rocket (1969)
Rhythm Method (1982)
Bodacious Tatas (1985)
Tit'n Your Girdle (1988)
Hard Like a Rock (1995)

Even I feel bad

R-missle, Even I feel bad now. The Mets are crushing my spirit. A 5 run lead? This is just bullshit.

Apparently, history is "on their side" though. No major league team has failed to finish first after having at least a seven-game advantage with 17 remaining. God, just seeing that in print is ridiculous.

We should have a mets game watching party this weekend. They are obviously the blog cause celebre.

JayJayAte Exclusive! Josh Talks to Iranian Prez Ahmadinejad!

Hi folks! As the controversial Iranian president continued his tour of New York, he agreed to sit down with me for some one-on-one. Here's what occurred!

JMF: Ok, first off, why is your name so long? And how do you pronounce it?
PREZ: My name is unprounancable by Westerners.
JMF: Like Spock's Vulcan name?
PREZ: Exactly. When I watch that show, I definitely think of myself as Spock.
JMF: I guess that makes sense. I always liked Dr. McCoy.
PREZ: As an American, you would be drawn to a cultural stereotype.
JMF: Touche, President Ah… uh… Mr. President. But Spock was known for his logic, and you seem pretty fiery. Are you an angry person?
PREZ: When there is justice in the Arab world, I perhaps won't seem so angry.
JMF: I won't hold my breath!
PREZ: (Laughter) Seriously.
JMF: Anyway, I have another question: Why Columbia?
PREZ: I got wait-listed at Harvard.
JMF: Oh! The president! Throwing rocks!
PREZ: When you're coming up through the ranks of the Iranian terrorist hierarchy, all you can rely on is your wit and your balls.
JMF: I'll be more careful. Anyway, Columbia?
PREZ: What can I say? I'm a big Julia Stiles fan.
JMF: Oh man, you missed that by like three years.
PREZ: Now you tell me. And West End is a Cuban restaurant?
JMF: Don't even get me started. I'm sure Koronets pizza costs, like, $5 by now. That's probably fifteen billion Iranian hectares, or whatever it is you use.
PREZ: We use the Chinese yuan. I don't want to have any problems when I go over there for the Olympics.
JMF: Planning to boo the Israeli team?
PREZ: You know it! I have the entire prison population working on signs.
JMF: Any previews? Is it going to be standard, "Die Zionist Pigs"? Or do you have the jailed intelligentsia working on puns?
PREZ: (Laughs) Josh, let me tell you—if I want a witty sign, I am not going to the intelligentsia. No, actually, I want to be sure to get on air, so I'm going to do one of those pander-to-the-network-carrying-the-game signs. Y'know, I'm thinking NBC, in big letters, and then it's No more Bullshit Christian/Jewish hegemony.
JMF: Eh.
PREZ: Not great?
JMF: I'd try to hire Bruce Villanch or something. Which brings me to my next question! You claim there are no gays in Iran.
PREZ: None.
JMF: Lesbians?
PREZ: Nope.
JMF: Any bi-curious listings in the newspapers?
PREZ: Never seen one.
JMF: When Iranian girls get drunk, they don't make out with other girls?
PREZ: Sometimes, but they're just messing around and having a good time.
JMF: Well, that's a whole other interview. What about Brokeback Mountain—how confusing was that for the Iranian population?
PREZ: Oh man—you haven't seen the Iranian edit!? It's great—we set the whole thing in Lebanon. It's an action movie now—we cut in scenes from Spider-Man.
JMF: Uhm, Tobey Maguire is in Spider-Man. Jake Gyllenhal was in Brokeback.
PREZ: No…
JMF: Yup.
PREZ: Seriously? Oh, fuck. Someone's definitely getting arrested for that.
JMF: And also, Elijah Wood was in Eternal Sunshine but Tobey Maguire was in Ciderhouse Rules.
PREZ: How good was Eternal Sunshine, though? Oh man, I have so wanted to do that—like, forget my ex-girlfriends.
JMF: I have to ask you another question. You know W. would fight you, and you know you want to fight him. So, what do you think?
PREZ: Oh man. Honestly, I'm tempted. What are the stakes?
JMF: I don't know… let's say if you win, you get, like, one mediocre nuclear weapon. Nothing that's going to destroy a city, but, y'know, enough for a pretty memorable mushroom cloud. And if Bush wins, uh, you have to shave your head. No, no, you have to a get an Ayatola Ass-a-hola tattoo.
PREZ: Do you know how much shit I would get for that!? Tell you what, I'll get back to you.
JMF: One last question. You are really working the shirt without a tie look. You even made those British sailors you released wear it. Where did that come from?
PREZ: You know, it's a funny story. I was late to take some hostages, and I was trying and trying to get my tie tied, and I just could not do it. So I finally said, Hey, I don't need a tie to take hostages! Later, when I saw the pictures of myself, I thought, Hmmmm... This could work.

(End of interview.)

Why?

Really, why are the mets trying to break my heart? Ok, fine so you've been playing shitty -- we all have our down moments -- so the bullpen has given up 17 runs in the last 19 innings, so you make 10 errors in two games but do you really need to go up 3-0 then down 4-3 and then up 7-4 (in the 9th!!) and then lose 8-7 to the marlins? after finally breaking the five game losing streak? was that really necessary?

shit aches right now. i don't really want to talk about it.

Have I mentioned that I love the blog?

Because I really, really do.

Nerds take notice

Nerds of the world take notice. The sacrifice you lay upon the alter of Halo 3 can be great.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070917/wr_nm/china_internet_death_dc;_ylt=AqizMqPg0Nfl_vTvOwNM1Qms0NUE

TOUGH LOVE!

I'm sick of Cary Tennis' touchey-feely, rhetorical-questiony Internet advice. You want to know what to do with your life? I'll tell you. I present my latest blog feature: TOUGH LOVE WITH JOSH FELDMAN. Includes actual questions that Cary Tennis bungled horribly!

Dear Tough Love,

I recently ended a four-year relationship with someone I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with. My problem now is that he has already moved past our relationship, so far as to begin dating someone else who is planning on moving up to the state we are in now to live with him. This new relationship started within a few weeks of our becoming "officially" broken up.

I am doing my best to be the bigger person, even trying to help with some of the logistics of this move. I am 22 years old, only a baby by most people's standards, and I want to get out and start dating other people, while still remaining as close as I can with my ex. But how do I juggle all these problems with him and still find time to go out and become my own person again? How do you pick up the pieces and move on?

Sincerely,

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

Jesus Christ you're pathetic! You're going to help with the move!?! What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you pay the security deposit on their new apartment, too? Why don't you volunteer to cat-sit so they can have a romantic weekend away?

You want to move on? You want to be your own person? Act like a fucking adult. Party self-destructively for a month, take some pottery classes, and if he gives you shit about not helping carry boxes into his place, tell him you're hung over and moody from the morning after pill.

-Tough Love

Dear Tough Love,

I am confused. I have been in a happy marriage for many years (more than 15, less than 20), with children, and yet twice during my married life I have "made out" with women not my wife, the most recent being this past week, when I was out of town for work. The "incident" ended as we knew it had to. Just a few minutes of lusty kissing and nothing more.

My wife and I have a good relationship. Our sex life is just fine. Why have I done this? My recurring fantasy is going out with a woman from work and we end up at her place after drinks, fooling around. Pretty vanilla, I know. But that's me! The situation this week followed my fantasy to a T, which I clearly found exciting. But my fantasy always goes further than what actually happened this week. I/we stopped it in its tracks because I/we knew it was wrong. But why wasn't I smart enough to stop it earlier, when we were having drinks and were both giving clear signals to each other? What is my problem?

Serial Kisser

Dear Serial,

First of all, stop cheating on your wife, you fucking asshole. You have kids, Jesus Christ. You know what your problem is? You're weak. You can't even get specific about the number of years you've been married, for fear you might get caught writing to some anonymous advice site. You don't even have sex in your fantasies!!! Do you close your eyes during scary movies, too?

You want to fool around with other women? Get a divorce. You don't want to get a divorce? Then find some sexual satisfaction with your goddamn wife. You think she's happy with your "just fine" sex life, either? Of course she isn't—she's married to some snivelling, philandering, self-doubting jerk. Here's what you need to do, Serial—have a real fucking fantasy, take a handful of Viagra, and act it out with your wife. Guess what?? You might actually like living, for a change.

-Tough Love

Need advice??? Of course you do. Email me anonymously via one of the countless email service providers and find out what the fuck you're doing wrong.

Is it Apple Picking Time Yet?

Let's set a date.
Let's all go and frollick in the apple trees.
Let's make apple pies and drink hot apple cider.
Fall is here...

BUT...We can't plan it for the 27th of October because that is the day of my birthday party. So save the date, think of an even better costume than last year (or at least one that doesn't overheat your body and lead to.. ahem... discomfort), and count your blessings that this year it will be hosted in Brooklyn. More info to come.

Humberto.

Humberto?

As many of you know Hurricane Humberto is supposed to make landfall at some point. Humberto?? What kind of f*cking name is that for a Hurricane? While I applaud the mutliculturalization of hurricane naming I can just can't abide by Humberto. Why do we need to anthropomorphize Hurricanes? We need to give the boys down in the National Weather Service more freedom. I know I'd be a lot more interested in following the developments of Hurricane Shasta McNasty than fu&king Humberto.

I'll start circulating a petition...

shana tova

happy new year jj8 family!

The Montauk 136: A Labor Day Worthy Of Its Name

It took waking at 7am.
















It took a beer at 7:30am.



It took delirious public stretching



And a serendipitous wine tasting.



There were Highs



There were Lows



But two weeks ago, four determined & cranky warriors risked erectile damage, tank-sized treadmarks, and lethal amounts of Gatorade to arrive in Montauk.

Godbless the MTA for letting us back home with the bikes.

**not pictured highs: Jon swimming in his tighty-blackies.
**not pictured lows: Three men on a double bed, being in the middle of two of those men, it being 150 degrees on the double bed, Joe all of Day I.

state of the union

hey folks

i miss brooklyn. we miss brooklyn. but sometimes in life you have to pick up your roots and move to where cherry tomatoes cost $3.99 (but botox is a steal!)

before the sinkhole of medical school completely sucks me in, i would like to extend an invitation to the upper east side. chaffeured rides included!!!!

FAMILY DINNER
sunday september 23
442 e. 77th st

that's in 2 weeks. please wear a tuxedo (even you, ladies!), and don't worry all minks will be well taken care of by our butler.

in the meantime here is a clip of one of my new classmates that has been circulated around cornell med.

Public Service Announcement!!

N.B. especially Athas, whose car-and-bong juggling skills I always associate with the album in question:

Next Saturday, Sept. 15th at McCarren Park Pool in BKLYN:

GZA PERFORMS THE ENTIRE LIQUID SWORDS
Opening: Jamie Lidell

Ticketmaster is ~$26.00 all told, apparently you can get them at Turntablelab for $22.

Pros: GZA. Liquid Swords. And if that is for some reason not enough, there's Jamie Lidell, drunken British electrosoulster and creator of the best record of the last 5 years.

Cons: Revolting hipster scum everywhere.

Bottom line: I must go. Who wants to join me?

Pug bowling

I think Wonton and Mushu can take Samson!

What is happening here?

any ideas?