JayJayAte Exclusive! Josh Talks to Iranian Prez Ahmadinejad!

Hi folks! As the controversial Iranian president continued his tour of New York, he agreed to sit down with me for some one-on-one. Here's what occurred!

JMF: Ok, first off, why is your name so long? And how do you pronounce it?
PREZ: My name is unprounancable by Westerners.
JMF: Like Spock's Vulcan name?
PREZ: Exactly. When I watch that show, I definitely think of myself as Spock.
JMF: I guess that makes sense. I always liked Dr. McCoy.
PREZ: As an American, you would be drawn to a cultural stereotype.
JMF: Touche, President Ah… uh… Mr. President. But Spock was known for his logic, and you seem pretty fiery. Are you an angry person?
PREZ: When there is justice in the Arab world, I perhaps won't seem so angry.
JMF: I won't hold my breath!
PREZ: (Laughter) Seriously.
JMF: Anyway, I have another question: Why Columbia?
PREZ: I got wait-listed at Harvard.
JMF: Oh! The president! Throwing rocks!
PREZ: When you're coming up through the ranks of the Iranian terrorist hierarchy, all you can rely on is your wit and your balls.
JMF: I'll be more careful. Anyway, Columbia?
PREZ: What can I say? I'm a big Julia Stiles fan.
JMF: Oh man, you missed that by like three years.
PREZ: Now you tell me. And West End is a Cuban restaurant?
JMF: Don't even get me started. I'm sure Koronets pizza costs, like, $5 by now. That's probably fifteen billion Iranian hectares, or whatever it is you use.
PREZ: We use the Chinese yuan. I don't want to have any problems when I go over there for the Olympics.
JMF: Planning to boo the Israeli team?
PREZ: You know it! I have the entire prison population working on signs.
JMF: Any previews? Is it going to be standard, "Die Zionist Pigs"? Or do you have the jailed intelligentsia working on puns?
PREZ: (Laughs) Josh, let me tell you—if I want a witty sign, I am not going to the intelligentsia. No, actually, I want to be sure to get on air, so I'm going to do one of those pander-to-the-network-carrying-the-game signs. Y'know, I'm thinking NBC, in big letters, and then it's No more Bullshit Christian/Jewish hegemony.
JMF: Eh.
PREZ: Not great?
JMF: I'd try to hire Bruce Villanch or something. Which brings me to my next question! You claim there are no gays in Iran.
PREZ: None.
JMF: Lesbians?
PREZ: Nope.
JMF: Any bi-curious listings in the newspapers?
PREZ: Never seen one.
JMF: When Iranian girls get drunk, they don't make out with other girls?
PREZ: Sometimes, but they're just messing around and having a good time.
JMF: Well, that's a whole other interview. What about Brokeback Mountain—how confusing was that for the Iranian population?
PREZ: Oh man—you haven't seen the Iranian edit!? It's great—we set the whole thing in Lebanon. It's an action movie now—we cut in scenes from Spider-Man.
JMF: Uhm, Tobey Maguire is in Spider-Man. Jake Gyllenhal was in Brokeback.
PREZ: No…
JMF: Yup.
PREZ: Seriously? Oh, fuck. Someone's definitely getting arrested for that.
JMF: And also, Elijah Wood was in Eternal Sunshine but Tobey Maguire was in Ciderhouse Rules.
PREZ: How good was Eternal Sunshine, though? Oh man, I have so wanted to do that—like, forget my ex-girlfriends.
JMF: I have to ask you another question. You know W. would fight you, and you know you want to fight him. So, what do you think?
PREZ: Oh man. Honestly, I'm tempted. What are the stakes?
JMF: I don't know… let's say if you win, you get, like, one mediocre nuclear weapon. Nothing that's going to destroy a city, but, y'know, enough for a pretty memorable mushroom cloud. And if Bush wins, uh, you have to shave your head. No, no, you have to a get an Ayatola Ass-a-hola tattoo.
PREZ: Do you know how much shit I would get for that!? Tell you what, I'll get back to you.
JMF: One last question. You are really working the shirt without a tie look. You even made those British sailors you released wear it. Where did that come from?
PREZ: You know, it's a funny story. I was late to take some hostages, and I was trying and trying to get my tie tied, and I just could not do it. So I finally said, Hey, I don't need a tie to take hostages! Later, when I saw the pictures of myself, I thought, Hmmmm... This could work.

(End of interview.)