TOUGH LOVE!

I'm sick of Cary Tennis' touchey-feely, rhetorical-questiony Internet advice. You want to know what to do with your life? I'll tell you. I present my latest blog feature: TOUGH LOVE WITH JOSH FELDMAN. Includes actual questions that Cary Tennis bungled horribly!

Dear Tough Love,

I recently ended a four-year relationship with someone I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with. My problem now is that he has already moved past our relationship, so far as to begin dating someone else who is planning on moving up to the state we are in now to live with him. This new relationship started within a few weeks of our becoming "officially" broken up.

I am doing my best to be the bigger person, even trying to help with some of the logistics of this move. I am 22 years old, only a baby by most people's standards, and I want to get out and start dating other people, while still remaining as close as I can with my ex. But how do I juggle all these problems with him and still find time to go out and become my own person again? How do you pick up the pieces and move on?

Sincerely,

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

Jesus Christ you're pathetic! You're going to help with the move!?! What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you pay the security deposit on their new apartment, too? Why don't you volunteer to cat-sit so they can have a romantic weekend away?

You want to move on? You want to be your own person? Act like a fucking adult. Party self-destructively for a month, take some pottery classes, and if he gives you shit about not helping carry boxes into his place, tell him you're hung over and moody from the morning after pill.

-Tough Love

Dear Tough Love,

I am confused. I have been in a happy marriage for many years (more than 15, less than 20), with children, and yet twice during my married life I have "made out" with women not my wife, the most recent being this past week, when I was out of town for work. The "incident" ended as we knew it had to. Just a few minutes of lusty kissing and nothing more.

My wife and I have a good relationship. Our sex life is just fine. Why have I done this? My recurring fantasy is going out with a woman from work and we end up at her place after drinks, fooling around. Pretty vanilla, I know. But that's me! The situation this week followed my fantasy to a T, which I clearly found exciting. But my fantasy always goes further than what actually happened this week. I/we stopped it in its tracks because I/we knew it was wrong. But why wasn't I smart enough to stop it earlier, when we were having drinks and were both giving clear signals to each other? What is my problem?

Serial Kisser

Dear Serial,

First of all, stop cheating on your wife, you fucking asshole. You have kids, Jesus Christ. You know what your problem is? You're weak. You can't even get specific about the number of years you've been married, for fear you might get caught writing to some anonymous advice site. You don't even have sex in your fantasies!!! Do you close your eyes during scary movies, too?

You want to fool around with other women? Get a divorce. You don't want to get a divorce? Then find some sexual satisfaction with your goddamn wife. You think she's happy with your "just fine" sex life, either? Of course she isn't—she's married to some snivelling, philandering, self-doubting jerk. Here's what you need to do, Serial—have a real fucking fantasy, take a handful of Viagra, and act it out with your wife. Guess what?? You might actually like living, for a change.

-Tough Love

Need advice??? Of course you do. Email me anonymously via one of the countless email service providers and find out what the fuck you're doing wrong.