DRINKER, WHALER, FOLGERS, PIE

HS/SS vs. TTSS: GO!


10:24 AM The Contessa: that better be the title of our review.
10:25 AM Mattie-O: absolutely
11:01 AM The Contessa: the subtitle: SPOILERS AHEAD
11:02 AM Mattie-O: spoiler alert: The Contessa thinks everyone was gay
The Contessa: everyone WAS gay
and they cried A LOT
11:03 AM I mean, I cry a lot at work too, but in the bathroom, by myself and I'm not a fucking cold war-era undercover agent trained to withstand torture
me: that guy shed, like, ONE TEAR
11:04 AM Mattie-O: who else cried besides Benedict Cumberbatch?
The Contessa: WHAT? Colin Firth, Tom Hardy and the German dude
11:05 AM Mattie-O: which German dude?
OH right
The Contessa: Elsen-something
Mattie-O: on the runway
The Contessa: the only 2 who didn't cry were John Hurt and Gary Oldman
Mattie-O: = totally appropriate
11:06 AM I don't think Toby Jones did either
The Contessa: so only, Gary Oldman, John Hurt and the guy best known for playing Truman Capote didn't cry/weren't gay
11:08 AM Mattie-O: well now you make it sound like Steel Magnolias
11:09 AM The Contessa: Tom Hardy and his terrible wig are Julia Roberts
both ruined otherwise decent casts
11:10 AM Mattie-O: the wig maybe
11:11 AM I liked Tom Hardy though
The Contessa: meh
Mattie-O: even though he looked like Andy Samberg
I'm trying not to let the fact that Christopher Nolan loves him influence my opinion
The Contessa: he did, indeed. A middle-aged boring Andy Samberg. Everyone in that movie was the most middle-aged man ever
11:12 AM Mattie-O: yep. the color pallette ranged from "whiskey" to "old cigarettes"
11:13 AM The Contessa: middle-aged men, whiskey and cigarettes. Otherwise known as: my 20s
11:14 AM Mattie-O: point: Contessa!
11:16 AM anyway, it sounds like I liked it more than you. surprise, surprise
11:17 AM The Contessa: I loved it
11:18 AM Mattie-O: well shows what I know then
11:19 AM The Contessa: spies, the 70s, Gary Oldman, Budapest, London. It reminded me of everything I like about movies from the mid-late 70s but with the extra added Gary Oldman being awesome for 2 hours bonus. I only wish Roy Scheider were still alive - he would have been a perfect, perfect American tough-guy agent cameo
11:20 AM Mattie-O: wait, he's dead? damn
11:21 AM The Contessa: I didn't call you and cry about this? I must have been too broken as a human that day.
Mattie-O: clearly I have blocked it out
11:26 AM Mattie-O: I know it was a joke, but now that I think about it, I did feel about it pretty much how I felt about Mission Impossible
11:27 AM not all that emotionally involved in the plot, but so well directed
well, and gary oldman
vs. tom cruise
11:28 AM that's not really fair
The Contessa: no, it's not.
it's also not fair to the universe that Tom Cruise is a mega-star and Gary Oldman is Commissioner Gordon
11:29 AM Mattie-O: yeah but did Gary Oldman climb the Burj Khalifa? I think not
checkmate!
11:33 AM The Contessa: but he did make Colin Firth cry
11:34 AM Mattie-O: I could have used a bit more Ciaran Hinds
The Contessa: where the fuck did he go?
I was thinking about that this morning. They just forgot about him in the end. Did they cut his crying scene?
11:35 AM Mattie-O: he probably had to leave to be in 45 other movies
11:36 AM The Contessa: with Michael Fassbender
Mattie-O: fine by me. every movie should have that cast
11:37 AM esp. Steel Magnolias
I would LOVE to see a remake of that with a bunch of Brit character actors
The Contessa: only if Ciaran Hinds plays Dolly Parton
11:38 AM Mattie-O: and 2x Toby Jones heads CGI'd as her tits
The Contessa: Yes!
11:50 AM The Contessa: wow. There is really not that much to talk about when the movie is well-done, well-acted and slowly-paced (not an insult - it unfolded all Conversation-style, which I appreciate in its own right as a directing style and as an homage to the era of film that this one was set in). The most exciting thing that happened was the guy in front of us with the staff of ra
11:52 AM Mattie-O: that staff was unbelievable
11:53 AM also sorry, I have a stupid meeting in a few minutes. I'll try to think of something interesting to say
11:54 AM here's something: you know film nerds will love this movie because of all of the shots of people in windows, behind fences, etc.
movie nerds LOVE frames
throw some eyeglasses in there and the symbolism just overwhelms them
11:56 AM The Contessa: you can have Ryan Gosling's scorpion jacket. I'll take Gary Oldman's giant eyeglasses.
11:57 AM HS/SS Movie Review Meta-Dressing. We will need to start adding photos
2:50 PM Mattie-O: photos of us I assume you mean
2:51 PM The Contessa: in our jacket and glasses, respectively
Mattie-O: and our Ra staffs
4:22 PM Mattie-O: snark aside (for a moment), the bit with the glasses was great. I'm pretty sure that would be the only way to tell when a given scene was happening
I hope the script pages were color coded as "BNG" for "before new glasses"
4:32 PM The Contessa: Once I get my TTSSNG, I would like my life up to then to be labelled BNG. And I was following by context - I didn't even notice their clever little trick with the NG. I didn't find it hard to follow at all. And I wasn't surprised by the end result
4:33 PM mostly because SPOILER I knew that Colin Firth had a big scene with Gary Oldman. I couldn't think of another reason he'd need one. AND the code names of the people really involved, ARE IN THE TITLE.
4:36 PM Mattie-O: yeah, I suppose if I had a criticism its that it didn't really matter to me who the mole was, though I think you could argue that its beside the point
4:37 PM The Contessa: it only mattered to me that it wasn't Oldman. And the movie established that pretty quickly
me: like, if you're adapting a twisty cold-war spy novel to a 2 hour movie, I assume you have to cut out a LOT
like any sort of backstory/character sketches of the suspects
4:38 PM The Contessa: I guess - but I never trusted anyone who ended up being involved NOR distrusted those who weren't
I feel like I needed to question his cohort's motives more to make it really work as a spy movie
instead, I thought of it more as a character study/drama
Mattie-O: meaning Oldman's cohort? yeah, I buy that
4:39 PM The Contessa: which is worked beautifully as - it just wasn't a mystery to me
Mattie-O: exactly, I think the guy must have realized early on that that aspect of the book couldn't work in 2 hours, so he focused on what could work
4:40 PM The Contessa: everyone who worked with him - form Tom Hardy to Benedict Cumberbatch to the old guy to Kathy Burke
did you read the book?
Mattie-O: no, I was about to ask you that
The Contessa: should we? Maybe it's not meant to be a thriller in that way
4:41 PM Mattie-O: eh, either way I'm always in favor of trying to judge the two separately
4:42 PM its totally plausible to me that it "fails" as an adaptation of the book's themes and is still a great movie
which I don't know if that's true, but it could be
4:51 PM The Contessa: I'll go with that. I thought it was great and everyone in it was great, especially future husbands Gary Oldman (always) and Benedict Cumberbatch (have you seen the new Sherlock?? Amazing - they did the impossible and exactly what needed to be done - they made Dr. Watson NOT a hateful pretentious windbag of annoyingness. And BC is perfect as Sherlock)
4:53 PM Mattie-O: I really thought you were talking about the Guy Ritchie version for a second there
The Contessa: absolutely not. that fails on every description I just gave.
4:54 PM http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1475582/
don't read the descriptions from imdb users.
it will not make you want to see this. Or live.
4:55 PM Mattie-O: more or less true of all imdb comments
4:56 PM did it seem to you that Gary Oldman had about 20 lines of dialog, total?
which was awesome
The Contessa: he spoke through his soul
4:57 PM and his glasses
Mattie-O: that and the slightly twitching eyelid
The Contessa: so goof
good
ugh, typing
Mattie-O: well, that typo's staying in the final draft
The Contessa: nooooooo
4:59 PM I think we should end it on my comment about my 20s. All my cleverness for the day used up on that bit of truth.
let's cut and paste this like a message from Control to Karla.
5:01 PM Mattie-O: god bless john hurt

BLOG PREMIERE: He Said / She Said

Presenting a new and (hopefully) recurring blog feature: HE SAID/SHE SAID with The Contessa and Mattie-O. Tentative format of "next day's gchat log" may someday graduate to actual coherent paragraphs, but we feel the casual milieu lends itself well to the snark we're sure will be the feature's hallmark.

Anyway, here are our thoughts on DRIVE. Spoilers are in white text, so you'll have to highlight them after you see the movie or decide you don't care because fuck DRIVE and the horse it rode in on, amirite?

On with the show!

4:15 PM The Contessa: I realized while going to sleep last night that that fucking douchebag director thinks he made his own Taxi Driver

4:16 PM instead of a socially awkward psycho, he misstepped and created a mentally retarded psycho. and then had him keep his shirt on. Bull. Shit.

4:20 PM Mattie-O: yeah i read something to that effect in a review today

or anyway called out the relationship as being like the Travis/Jodie Foster one in TD

4:21 PM The Contessa: gross. I hate that movie even more. Also, way to equate a grown woman and single mother with a 13 year old prostitute

4:22 PM Mattie-O: She looked about 13 though

4:23 PM I was about to say its probably impossible to combine the "cool, calculated loner" archetype with the "violently psychotic loner" archetype

but then I remembered Lee Marvin in Point Blank

so basically, Drive = failed Point Blank

with color pallette imported from Point Break

and also, for a movie called DRIVE, he really didn't do enough driving

4:27 PM The Contessa: indeed. You know what I'm seeing in 1 hour? The French Connection.

Suck it DRIVE.

4:29 PM Mattie-O: WTF was Albert Brooks' character thinking at the end anyway? I thought he was supposed to be smart enough to not get stabbed to death

ou had ALL DAY to plan that murder

The Contessa: he wasn't smart enough to not be the jesus figure though, so he's dead!

4:30 PM that was the most pretentious 95 minutes i have ever spent with you

4:31 PM and we saw Inland Empire AND that survelliance tower Wim Wenders movie together

Mattie-O: uh, LOST HIGHWAY OPERA Christy

never forget

The Contessa: Oh my god

I TOTALLY forgot

that was the worst. I think the Jack Daniels and PTSD wiped that from my memory

4:32 PM Mattie-O: the worst part is that we dressed up nice...making us complicit in the pretense of it being not a high-school production

4:33 PM The Contessa: Bakersfield High's production of FAME is offended by your comment

4:34 PM Mattie-O: yeah true, RHS New Players was 200x better than that shit

4:35 PM oh, another amusing-to-me tangent:

4:36 PM so, pretty much every review of Drive mentions Le Samourai as an antecedent

which, not sure if you've seen it, but Refn fucking wishes...Alain Delon is cool personified in it

4:37 PM but because of that I forgot that his character does actually have a name

the dorkiest name for a badass in all of movies I think

Jef Costello!

then I remembered that today and laughed

4:38 PM The Contessa: I'm glad you can laugh about something associated with Drive,

it just makes me angrier and angrier when I think of it.

Mattie-O: i'm still laughing about that 4 minute elevator smooch too

4:39 PM The Contessa: the most uncomfortable 4 minutes I've ever spent in an elevator. And I've been trapped in an elevator during a blizzard

4:40 PM about 11 people on facebook were just creaming themselves about the movie

I am unfriending them all

ways for me to unfriend you - stalking me and liking DRIVE. That's it

4:41 PM Mattie-O: well, in retrospect, I definitely didn't hate it as much as you did, but all the shit I didn't like was in the 2nd half

4:42 PM really I was disappointed that the heist scene/car chase ended too early. that was pretty well staged

he ron pearlman death not so much

4:43 PM what was the point of that fucking mask? other than a strained stupid metaphor

The Contessa: but the first half was all lady porn done by a misogynist. Ryan Gosling builds cars, doesn't talk, carries kids to their rooms, doesn't try to touch you ever. Ladies are stupid and unsexual mommy cows. They LOVE that stuff!

4:44 PM I did like the 80s movie credits car chase though

Mattie-O: yeah that was good...too bad the 80s music got MUCH worse as it went along

The Contessa: yes. it. did. WOW

4:45 PM Mattie-O: and also yes to the weird non-sexuality of that relationship. 10 of the first 30 min was them just staring at each other waiting for some characters to just develop on their own

The Contessa: don't worry. they didn't.

4:46 PM that mask still infuriates me.

Mattie-O: now imagine that movie without cranston, perlman, or brooks

its tough to get so little out of such a good supporting cast

4:47 PM = backhanded REFN DIS

4:48 PM The Contessa: nice.

4:50 PM Mattie-O: xtina hendricks shoulda been the main girl maybe

or not in the movie at all

4:51 PM The Contessa: I was trying to think of some clever movie to refer to say what it would be cranston, et al. and I couldn't think of ANYTHING that would be that offputting, oddly paced and completely uncomfortably boringly bad

not in the movie at all

she's better than that

4:52 PM Mattie-O: so i'm told. i think this was my first time seeing her in anything

other than spilling out of a dress on the red carpet somewhere

The Contessa: Solomon refers to her as BOOBS! Now, unfortunately, I do too every time I see her.

4:53 PM She was in that movie with Katherine Heigl and Fergie's husband.

I wish we had seen that instead

4:54 PM Mattie-O: that sounds like the worst movie ever

4:55 PM esp. if Fergie were also in it

The Contessa: but no one else would think it's a life-changing cinematic event

4:56 PM like everyone does about fucking DRIVE

Mattie-O: it needed more close ups of his scorpion jacket

4:57 PM not sure I got bludgeoned over the head with that metaphor enough times

The Contessa: not even when he asked Albert Brooks if he knew that story of the frog and the scorpion?

4:58 PM was it even a metaphor anymore at that point?

5:00 PM Mattie-O: i'm sure the only reason he didn't recite the whole thing is to maintain the "minimalism"

The Contessa: and also because it had abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING to do with what was actually happening

5:01 PM besides his jacket

alright. I'm out of here

5:03 PM to go see a good movie with a car chase, great casting and subtlety that makes sense

Mattie-O: well it was a pretty boss jacket

The Contessa: I now know what to get you for xmas

5:04 PM too bad all the NYU film students in the audience have already flooded ebay looking for it!

Mattie-O: "so cinematic"

5:05 PM "you just didn't get it baby"

The Contessa: "I just want tell you how much I feel about the movie"

Mattie-O: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA