Here are all the categories and my picks, with a little bit of analysis. Disclaimer: Like the rest of America, I didn't see Amour.
MOST ACCURATE DEPICTION OF PHILADELPHIA EAGLES FANS: Silver Linings Playbook, for portraying them as reprobate, racist assholes, who even at their most charming have violent personality disorders.
MOST RANDOM SCENE THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MOVIE AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN CUT: The scene in Lincoln when Tommy Lee Jones takes off his wig to reveal a bald cap, gets in bed with his black mistress, and shows her the signed draft of the 13th Amendment. I'm thinking the story of Lincoln would have been complete without that.
|"No pizza for you!"|
BEST CHARACTER WHO LOOKS LIKE ME: The Torturer in Zero Dark Thirty. I am strangely proud whenever people mention this, even though we all know I would be terrible at torture.
BEST MOVIE JULIE SLEPT THROUGH: Searching for Sugarman. It was really uplifting, and she was out before they explained the movie wasn't about someone named Sugarman.
WORST CASTING MISFIRE: Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean over Mandy FUCKING Patinkin. "Let's see, we need someone physically imposing, who can look tortured in close-ups, looks twenty years older just by growing a beard, and has gorgeous tenor voice to handle songs with tons of high notes. Oh wait, let's NOT cast Mandy Patinkin!" (Note: Please imagine the last sentence being read by Christy.) It has been months, and I am still bitter about the casting of that movie.
|"This is your captain speaking..."|
MOST COMPELLING ARGUMENT FOR BEST ACTOR BEING AN ANNUAL PRIZE FOR DANIEL DAY-LEWIS: He could have played any of the other Best Actor-nominated roles, but none of the other nominated actors could have played a credible Abraham Lincoln.
BEST CINEMATIC SHORTHAND FOR A DECADENT CULTURE ON THE VERGE OF COLLAPSE: This two-second shot in The Dark Knight Rises of some guy eating lobster at a charity ball. Get 'em, Bane!
MOST ENTICING PORNO TITLE BASED ON THE TITLE OF A BEST PICTURE NOMINEE: Life of Pie
LEAST ENTICING PORNO TITLE BASED ON THE TITLE OF A BEST PICTURE NOMINEE: Miserable Lay
MOST SUPERFLUOUS ACCENT MARK IN THE NAME AN OSCAR NOMINEE: The ´ at the end of Beasts of the Southern Wild's Quvenzhané Wallis's first name. You really think, after everything, an ´ is going to make a difference in helping me pronounce that correctly?
BIGGEST SHOCK OF THE NIGHT: Jessica Chastain wins for best actress, they cut to the empty chair where Amy Adams just was, and America realizes they're the same person.
|Made possible by Photoshop.|