Revenge of the Jedi: Winners and Losers

I was out. I was done. I was golfing and skiing and watching poker videos on YouTube. I fought the urge to comment on Sol's pug tat, KTE's dramatic first non-White Rabbits post, even a Hong Kong-related post that didn't mention its distinctive aroma. But I stayed strong. I'd retired.

And then Client 9 went down in a blaze of whorey, Christy claimed a broken (by recent events!) Silda was hotter than "Kristen," and Gabi expressed sympathy for the world's most famous hoo-ah.

I couldn't take it anymore. You pulled me back in. Dave, get out your notepad and fire up the CIA World Factbook.

I'm back.

Now, let's break down the REAL winners and losers here:

ELLIOT SPITZER: HUGE LOSER. Yikes, what a loser. The only way this could have turned out worse would be if a consortium of Wall Street brokers killed "Kristen" while Elliot was passed out, made him think he did it, and then blackmailed him into doing their bidding all the way to the presidency. Don't get me wrong, prostitution is a victimless crime and all—unless, of course, you're married and have three daughters. At LEAST he was supposedly into "not safe" activities, but then we find out it was just sex without a condom. Yawn. So much for Elliot taping a plastic bag over his head ala David Duchovny in Full Frontal. Elliot, you've lost our respect as a governor, a husband, a father, and a John. Please slither back to corporate law.

SILDA: THE BIGGEST LOSER. Did you know she gave up a promising law career to support a political career sabotaged by her husband's taste for four thousand dollar hookers?? ? Control-Z, Control-Z! She's also assumed the mantle of "Woman Most Universally Pitied by Other Women," stealing the crown from a post-Angelinated Jennifer Aniston. I'll say this, too: there's a good chance she knew Elliot was into hookers. I mean, people have these understandings. And why else would she push for him to stay in office, other than that she'd reconciled herself to the whole thing years ago? But when they had that conversation, did she also agree to attend the ritualized humiliation-press conferences? And how does she explain that wrinkle to her daughters? I'm getting despressed just writing this. On the other hand, I'm also selling Team "Kristen" t-shirts on eBay.

"KRISTEN" (aka Ashley Youmans aka Ashley Alexandra Dupre): BIG WINNER. I'm sorry, I can't see this unfolding any other way than interview in People magazine, spread in Playboy, reality show on VH1 (tentatively titled "Looking for Client #10"). The fact that she still hasn't taken down her MySpace page is telling. She is going to ride this  can't-look-away-train-wreck of an opportunity right to D-list infamy. And if you think she wouldn't be the featured contestant on American Idol: Celebrity Edition in 2011, you've forgotten that Idol is on Fox. The one lock of this whole situation is that "Kristen" is going to be with us for a very, very long time.

THE NEW YORK TIMES: LOSER. How can the New York Times, the paper of record, extensively quote a prostitute's own MySpace page description of herself?

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/13/nyregion/12cnd-kristen.html?ref=nyregion

That's reporting!? This somehow signal's the death of serious media for me, or some kind of crossed-streams universe ending vortex. Anyway, the Times is starting to look like the Red Sox of the 20^th century: forever snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I mean, they broke this story! And they still find a way to look bad??

THE NEW YORK POST: WINNER. Their "Ho No!" easily trumps the Daily News' "Pay for Luv Guv."

EYES WIDE SHUT FIDELIO PARTIES: WINNER. At some point, governors, senators, and all the other elected officials are going to realize using the Internet and cell phones to pay for sex just isn't that secure anymore. That's when masked balls in Gothic castles at which interlopers are killed on the spot are going to make their big comeback. 

CHRISTIAN WIEDERHOLZ/COREY FELDMAN/ALL OF US: HUGE WINNERS. They're making a Lost Boys sequel. It doesn't have anything to do with Elliot Spitzer, but again: they're making a Lost Boys sequel.

Let's start stockpiling weed now.