TOUGH LOVE 2! LOVE TOUGHER!

Time to make 'em say UHHHHH, Master P-style. More of the wreckage of Cary Tennis' nice-advice column, retrofitted with wisdom the way it's meant to be delivered: TOUGHLY.

Dear Tough Love,

I am 20 years old, go to a state university, and am severely confused on what I want to do in life. Toward the lag end of high school, I got interested in becoming a doctor. It wasn't out of some desire I had to cure the world or make lots of money. It was because of my parents. In their minds, the best thing to be is a professional, especially a doctor. So I enrolled in pre-med in college.

Then, my sophomore year, last year, I fell apart. I took physics and organic chemistry. I was doing terribly in both. It was during this semester that I would get these sort of panic attacks. I would just cry and cry when thinking about how badly I was doing in life, in organic, in everything. Then, the spring semester began. I took the second part of organic. I failed the class with an F.

So now I don't know what to do. I'm signed up for organic again this semester, with the same professor I failed with. I'm already freaking out about it. I want to study abroad and travel and do the Peace Corps and help people. But I need to make a decision.

Help me, Tough Love!

From,
Typical Confused College Student

Dear Typical,

It's always surprising how stupid people can be. You're failing orgo, you get panic attacks, you don't even want to be a doctor in the first place, and you're confused? The only thing confusing here is what an idiot you're being, wasting your time preparing for a job you don't want and wouldn't be good at.

I'm sure you feel guilty disappointing your parents. But think of the guilt when you kill someone else's parent by administering too much codeine, or the bitterness as you finish off your latest sixty hour shift during residency while maintaining a tidy $250,000 med school debt. What will Mom and Dad say then? Nothing, because you'll have stopped talking to them, blaming them for your own terrible life choices. Drop orgo, take a bunch of fluffy English classes you can't get worse than a B-minus in, and sell your textbooks for weed money.

-Tough Love

Dear Tough Love,

I am a twenty-six year old single woman and I am a workout-aholic. I go to the gym every day, and sometimes even twice a day. I run, I do pilates and I do weight training. I know it isn't healthy, and the truth is I don't really like working out. I am obsessed with marriage, and I am afraid that if I "let myself go" (I mean, stop working out) I will gain weight and won't be able to attract anyone. I know this behavior is crazy but I don't know how to stop.

Tough Love, save me!

Crunch Crazy

Dear Crunch,

Your email looks a little fat. Maybe you should head to the gym. Just kidding—really!! I'm making fun of you because you've already admitted to being crazy, so I don't really have an opener. But for the record, yes, you're crazy. Behold exhibit A:

You're never going to look better than that, and as I understand it, she got dumped by the dude who plays The Human Torch in Fantastic Four. So you can go to the gym all you want, but it in the end it can't guarantee you won't get dumped like the rest of us sane people. So live healthy, eat right, blah blah blah, but don't think doing just five more crunches will be the difference between happiness and a life of lonely despair. Divide the time at the gym with activities where you have a chance of actually meeting potential partners, and not just other meathead gym rats like yourself.

-Tough Love

Tough Love can be yours! Email queries and receive guaranteed response! Now with significantly less vulgarity! Fuckin' a!