Indeed, some candy is created downright poorly—like, it shouldn't have even been created at all.Bad Candy is something of an enigma, like a black hole or dark matter. It really shouldn't exist at all. And yet, it does. And like dark matter, it challenges our basic assumptions about the universe. 250 calories, a chocolate coating, and it doesn't taste good?
(On the other side of this spectrum is the watermelon, which is basically a green boulder that by some miracle is filled with juicey red fruit that you can infuse with vodka. What did the caveman who discovered the first watermelon do? For how long was it considered the egg of a goddess or something? I'm thinking ten to twenty thousand years.)
Bad Candy serves a few useful functions, though. First of all, it reminds us of the diversity of human tastes. Somebody likes Mounds, otherwise Hershey's wouldn't bother distributing it. It's refreshing to know we're not all the same—some people have terrible taste in candy. Second, Bad Candy makes us appreciate the Twixes and Kit-Kats and Whatchamacallits all the more. And finally, Bad Candy proves that the Candyman is fallible—he's not a godlike, Willy Wonka-figure after all.
[It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling fans which now have to be washed and sterilized. So you get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!]
Following: the lower orders of the candy species. This list is by no means exhaustive (I'm sure there's some terrible "savory" candy out there I don't know about), but in my mind, these are some of the worst of the worst. From the least least desirable to the most…
5. Payday. Here's a good way to ruin caramel—with salt! I mean, why not just sprinkle some paprika on it and call it a day? It also loses points because it looks like a log of caramel that someone stuck peanuts into.
4. Mounds. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. And that may be true. But do you ever feel like coconut? Nope.
3. Almond Joy. Edges Mounds because it starts with something that tastes like sawdust (coconut) but adds almonds. Not the direction I would have gone in. It's also worth mentioning that Mounds and Almond Joy both have terrible names. Mounds? Yuck. And if you only have one, don't you have to call it a mound? And "almond" joy? Is that possible?
2. Jujubes. A hard, nearly tasteless candy, that gets worse as you chew it, and comes about seven hundred to the box—the problem with that being you can never finish them. Receiving a box of Jujubes is psychological torture: a bottomless supply of candy that you don't want to finish.
1. Good & Plenty. Another boxed candy that comes thousands to the box, but pill shaped, and infused with the (universally disliked) taste of licorice. I mean, I know people who like coconut—I know people who say Mounds it their favorite candy. But the continued production of licorice is a total mystery to me. Does anyone out there like the black jelly bean? And given that black jelly beans are always, always the last to be eaten, how is there demand for Good & Plenty? Bottom line—if you give me a box of Jujubes, I'll eat them. I won't enjoy it, and it will take me six or seven weeks to finish the box, but I'll eat them. Give me Good & Plenty, and I'll throw them away unopened.
Man, writing about Bad Candy is no fun at all! In fact, it's depressing. Next installment, back to Good Candy! And I'll close with a recommendation, too: The Wonka Bar. I just had what I think was my first one. Chocolate with bits of graham cracker. Not to be missed!
Posts
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletetwo points:
ReplyDeletefirst, paydays. they are delicious. salt and caramel is good, as is salt and chocolate (i.e. chocolate covered pretzels). salty and sweet is one of the classic flavor combinations. the only question i have is why they haven't made a chocolate covered payday. delicious!
second, good and plenty's. you're approaching this form the form the wrong angle. licorice is a flavor from a different era. before fruit flavored sugar and sweetened peanut butter, there was licorice. it grew naturally in the wild (fennel and anise) and existed before all other flavored sweets. italians ate (eat) raw fennel after dinner. so why do they make good and plenty's?: it's nostalgic. my prediction? when our oldest generations have passed good and plenty will go the way of fruit stripe gum. only available at specialty stores and super bulk candy shops. (by the way, has anyone eaten fruit stripe gum recently? that stuff sucks!)
Almond Joy and the bastard brother Mounds are both delicious. If we are talking shitty candy we should talk about O'Henrys. What the fuck is that? Also not a fan of the Butterfinger only because I am partial to sticky peanutbutter and not flaky PB.
ReplyDeleteTake 5s are by far the best and the least known about it. I am here to spread the gospel of TAKE 5.
Preach on Josh!!
Take 5 is definitely the best of the newer additions to the candy shelf. However, like Mounds and Almond Joy, I feel like I'm being deceived by the packaging of two small bits of candy in a large-bar wrapper.
ReplyDeletePaydays are horrible. I'm sorry, Josh, it's just a fact.
Good and Plenty is hamstrung from the get-go by the fact that any given box you find has already been stale for at least 2 weeks, so the best you can do is nibble off the coating and spit out the chewy innards.
Just thinking back to stuff I got for Halloween and wanted to give back, besides when I got 3 pennies from a lady. That was practically an act of war:
ReplyDeleteBit o' honey: if you can get the wrapper off maybe. but more likely your eating papery dirt.
Payday: just trash. if they changed the wrapping it wouldn't even qualify as candy.
3 musketeers: just too much. it's like they took all the chocolate and that wasn't good enough for a chocolate bar and added nasty nougat. Nougat is like mortar. It should be supporting the structure. I mean, yeah it's necessary and contributes, but nobody says hey, my new apartment has exposed mortar walls.
also terrible:
ReplyDeleteLaffy Taffy: again, good luck choking one of these down.
Candy Corn: I agree with comedian Louis Black here, I think all candy corn was manufactured in 1920 and they're just desperately trying to find ways to get rid of it.
in fact, pretty much anything that can be traced back to Brach's probably sucks.
Schwizza, I think you are right: Good & Plenty is an old timey candy, mostly enjoyed by people who lived through the sugar shortages of the Great War. But we don't listen to Al Jolson music on the Victrola, and we shouldn't eat Good & Plenty anymore, either.
ReplyDeleteBut Take 5 really is a great addition to the candy family. For a while this girl at my work was doing viral marketing, giving out free Take 5 bars. The best reason to show up for work ever.
For the record, I actually really like Candy Corn. And I like Butterfingers, too, except that when you eat them they turn into orange quick-dry concrete that coats the top of your molars.